Incredibly Straight House Republicans Fuck Louisiana with Healthcare Vote
Louisiana is in many ways a woman hundreds of years old. That woman is a metaphor for the incredible people who coexist within Louisiana’s geographic boundaries. Collectively, those individuals form a being that transcends a singular identity. There is something fragile and beautiful about that woman, which explains why the Louisiana House of Representatives fucked the State of Louisiana this month.
The House Republicans got riled up on Red Bull and Judge Dredd. One called another gay. He responded by calling the other one gay and a Rockefeller butt buddy. Soon, they were all calling one another gay Rockefeller butt budies with tax and spend tendencies. Tensions rose. Left with no options, they had to prove they were not gay. As they found common ground, they began saying "I am the law" in unison. Then, on Monday (April 17), the Louisiana House Appropriations Committee approved a budget that fully funded the TOPS college scholarship but would eliminate funding for state hospitals, nursing homes, and residency programs.
Though incredibly straight, the Republican fucking of Louisiana strongly resembles Genesis 19 NIV – the story of Sodom and Gomorrah.
On the day of the vote, all but eight of the Republican representatives from every part of the state – both young and old – surrounded the walls of the House. They called to Commissioner of Administration Jay Dardenne, “Where is this charitable hospital system? Bring it out to us so we can fuck it.”
Dardenne went to the center of the House and held his arms in the air. “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. Although Louisiana has long been the only state with a state charity hospital system and it may be time to move away from that, it won’t happen overnight. And it won’t happen if we devastate our entire health care system by passing this budget today. Look, I have two staff members, who are amazing policy wonks. Let me bring them out to you, and they can help you come up with a new system. But don’t do anything to irreparably fuck our entire healthcare system before we have a viable alternative because it has come under the protection of my roof.”
“Get out of our way,” the Republican House chorus cried. The elephant walk of Republicans kept bringing pressure on Dardenne. “This fellow came here as a foreigner, and now he wants to play the judge! We’ll fuck you worse than the State of Louisiana.”
The leadership of LSU medical schools in New Orleans and Shreveport have voiced concern to the Legislature and Governor Edwards that passing the current budget would scare medical students, residents, and faculty away. Despite warnings that the budget debacle would irreparably fuck the LSU medical system, fuck 46,000 the people set to lose waivers and nursing home beds, fuck TOPS of $58 million, fuck lease payments by $168 million, fuck every public private partnership across the state, fuck 700,000 high school students by cutting K-12, fuck the Department of Corrections by $20 million, fuck DAs and sheriffs, and fuck the judiciary, the House Republican leadership head-pushed its budget on a vulnerable population resting in a supine position.
According to The Times-Picayune, Chairman of the House Republican Caucus, Rep. Lance Harris, R-Alexandria, said, "This is what a responsible budget looks like, dealing with the actual figures, the actual money that is available to the state today." They also quote him saying, "The state cannot spend money it doesn't have." However, Rep. Harris found money to fund a state hospital in Alexandria, his district, while none of the others have any funding.
The House budget passed primarily along party lines with all but eight Republican votes. Only one Democrat, New Orleans Rep. Neil Abramson (pictured below), voted for the bill. It is unclear whether Rep. Abramson’s vote constitutes fucking, because the Republican House leadership screamed “suck it you sick cuck” at him, as he voted. According to sources, Rep. Harris leaned into Rep. Abramson’s ear, and whispered, “Did you like watching us fuck your state, you sick cuck,” after the budget’s passage. It becomes more difficult to think of Rep. Abramson as a man, let alone one capable of fucking, given reports that Republican representatives made him dress as a human ashtray that they traded for Confederate money.
The inherent straightness of Louisiana’s Republican state representatives is undeniable in light of their decision to fuck Louisiana. My conversation with Chancellor of LSU Health Sciences Center Shreveport and Dean of the School of Medicine Dr. G.E. Ghali emphasizes the straightness of the Republican state representative fuckening.
Me: Chancellor Ghali, you must be incredibly proud of the no nonsense approach that our state legislature is taking.
Ghali: Who are you? What are you talking about? I’m incredibly busy saving lives.
Me: I’m talking about the Louisiana House forcing accountability through the straightness of fucking Louisiana, an incredibly beautiful woman.
Ghali: People will die.
Me: Of straightness!
After our interview, Chancellor Ghali attempted to shine a flashlight in my eyes and check for evidence of “a concussion.” I screamed that I would not submit to Killary’s death panels and ran away screaming.
Will people die? Will we experience a public health crisis among poor populations with terminal diseases? Will we see a dramatically reduced quality of life among children with manageable health problems? Of course, but it will be for a greater purpose: proving that Louisiana’s House Republicans are not gay Rockefeller butt buddies.